Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
