I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
