why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
third nipple confirmed
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
