it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
