Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
