i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
