Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
