i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
