my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
