a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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