How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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