i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
