So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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