did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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