This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she looked like the before picture.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
