I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
