Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
