Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
