Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
false alarm, still single
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
