Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
