I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
