so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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