It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
