When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
