I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My ass is underappreciated
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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