My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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