If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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