So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
