I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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