If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
