i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
its not stalking. its research.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
