I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
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drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
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When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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