So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
