i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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