Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Randomize
