Plan B is the new Plan A
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
