did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
