i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
