You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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