This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
