based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So many bounce houses so little time
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
