i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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