Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
