Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
