I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she pinky promised me she was 18
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
