I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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