i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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