I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
