maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
