I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
