Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize