So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
