you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
