Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
