Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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