how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
