I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
