I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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