I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize