Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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